


A Different Life

by graciegirl2001



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst, F/M, Headcanon where Riza wanted kids once, Hurt/Comfort, Parental!Royai, also Riza needs a hug, and they never have kids, mmm I smell angst in the air
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 07:43:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14911236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graciegirl2001/pseuds/graciegirl2001
Summary: Roy and Riza make a trip to Resembrool to visit Ed and Winry's family. Hawkeye ponders over her early dreams of having a family.





	A Different Life

**Author's Note:**

> (A/N) So even though I’ve written about Royai kiddos before, I kinda headcanon that they would decide not to have kids... and I was just thinking about how Mama!Hawk might have a hard time and created this angsty thing.

She hadn't even bothered taking off her shoes before collapsing on the couch, head pressing to her drawn-up knees.    
  
The visit to the Elrics was supposed to be a time for both of them to relax and take a break before heading back to Ishval to aide with the reconstruction. And for the most part, it was. Winry had been begging to have them for ages, and when the two officers had a few weeks leave before they returned to the the foreign country, Roy and Riza gratefully accepted the invitation to Resembool.     
  
Upon arriving, both were shocked at how big the Elric children had gotten. Their son was nearly old enough to start attending the local preschool, and while the new little girl was still under a year old, even she had gotten much bigger than in the limited pictures they had been sent.   
  
It was a joy to have the kids around, latching onto legs, and singing tuneless melodies at the dinner table, but it turned Riza’s eyes sorrowful, her smiles pained.   
  
Returning to the present moment, the alchemist watched the woman curl into herself silently. She wasn't crying, Roy noted, eyes taking in the Captain on the couch; but he knew that she was holding back still.   
  


Wordlessly, Roy crossed to the couch, sitting beside the blonde and taking her trembling hands in his.   
  
Riza responded only by turning her head against his chest, eyes shining faintly with unshed tears.    
  
Riza had always wanted children. Roy knew as much since they were only kids themselves. At only age fourteen she talked about the big family she was going to have someday. How the first girl would be named after her mother. How she would provide the love and comfort her father never did.    
  
Roy also knew, that this was a life he could never give her.    
  
They had decided in a quiet conversation years ago, that they would never try to bring a life into the world. Between their ever demanding military careers, fraternization laws, and the unspoken need to dedicate their lived to Ishval, both officers put these ideals away, knowing the burden would be too great for them and the child.    
  
It didn't stop the hurt though.    
  
She had fought the breakdown for a long time, Roy observed, as he gently trailed circles against her palm.    
  
They had seen the Elric children before, it wasn't as if it was anything new. But each time they saw the young family, it was clear how the little ones clung to her. Ed and Winry's kids adored their 'Aunt Riza', and before long she was the one telling them bedtime stories and tucking them into bed to give their parents a night off.    
  
It was after one of these such nights that Roy first caught on to the pain she was experiencing. He waited in the hallway as she softly closed the door behind her, the sounds of soft snoring trickling past the opening.

Before he could ask if the kids had gone down alright, she had her arms wrapped around him tightly. Her face was obscured by his shirt, and he wondered if she was crying.   
  
"It hurts," she managed in a choked voice, clinging tightly to the fabric of his dress shirt.

His eyes confusedly went from the woman in his arms to the now closed door of the nursery before he made the connection. 

Upon the realization, Roy felt a surge of sorrow twist his heart painfully. Of course. Being around the children… practically acting as their mother… it must be tearing her apart. Circling his arms around her gently, he pressed her head to his shoulder. 

“Oh Riza… I should have realized sooner,” he said, voice pained, feeling tears well up behind his lids. The general slowly stroked her head, placing whispering kisses against her hair until her breathing evened out. 

“I’m so sorry,” he added softly as she nuzzled herself against the crook of his neck, taking deep shuddering breaths. 

“It’s not your fault,” she replied, placing a kiss against his jawline.

But it was his fault.

It was all his fault.

After a sleepless night contemplating her words, Roy had come to said conclusion. If he had never shown up at her house that summer day, she might have lived out the peaceful life she wanted. Met a nice scholar or handyman, built a house in the country, and settled down with a family of her own. She would never have had to experience the horrors of Ishval, which would lead to dedicating her life to the military. Roy was the one who had cursed her with this life, who had caused the nightmares that woke her up at odd intervals of the night. He was the reason she was breaking apart inside every time she was exposed to that ray of happiness that children brought. And he hated himself for that.

Riza was still holding back, he could see, as her fist tightened and released against the fabric of the hotel couch. 

“This is my fault Riza,” he mumbled, just loud enough for her to hear. 

“Don’t say that,” she replied in a strained voice.

“It’s my fault and you know it.”

“No.”

“I’m the reason you can’t have that life.”

“ _ No.” _

“From day one, it’s been me who screwed things up for you! Why can’t you see that?” 

The sound of the slap echoed through the room, which had quickly grown silent. 

Roy held his stinging face in shock. She had finally cracked, tears streaming down her cheeks. But the eyes that had previously been filled with hurt and sadness were now bright with anger.

“Ri-”

“ _ Shut up _ .” 

The general closed his mouth in shock.

“You complete  _ idiot. _ ”

He raised his eyebrows in surprise at her icy tone.

“ _ I  _ am the one who chose this life Roy. Not you.”

“But-”

“ _ I  _ chose to go into the military, of my own volition. I enlisted because  _ I  _ wanted to, even with all the consequences that came with it. Did you take me for some lovesick puppy desperate to return to its master?”

He raised his eyebrows. “Of course not!”

“Then stop thinking that you ruined my life or something. If I could go back and redo things, It’s true, I might not have enlisted. But that is a decision  _ I  _ have to live with. Not you.”

“But Riza… your… your family.”

Her demeanor softened at this, and she took a deep shuddering breath. 

“It’s true that I grew up planning on starting a family. But things change.” She smiled sadly at him. “You didn’t force any of this on me. We both made the decision not to take that path. Together. And just because I might wish things could be different from time to time, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right choice.” Riza leaned back against him.

“Besides, I would never want a life without you in it,” she added, leaving a gentle kiss on his cheek.

They sat in long, but companionable silence before Roy spoke.

“You would make a wonderful mother,” he finally said quietly.

She squeezed his hand tightly, voice just above a whisper.

 

_ “Thank you.” _


End file.
